lost_all_faith

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 23:20:13 GMT

Sorry for the distinct lack of updates. My life has been pretty hectic. I'll do my best with updating now..

Yea so like I said in my last entry..Hazel dumped me. I still love her. And i've told her that..many times. I can't help but think she feels the same way but doesn't want to go back there. Internet relationships are so hard. Blah I don't know. I give up, I really do.

Emma has been going through a tough time lately. I'm really worried about her. She overdosed again..or almost did. And she has stopped letting me in so much now too. I hate that. I hate not knowing how she's feeling. I hate not being able to help her. I wish she would talk to me about it. I'm so proud that she has gone to get help for her selfharm though. She's one step closer to beating this thing. Hell, shes practically beaten it. The hardest part is admitting you need help and she's done that. I'm behind her 100%.

My selfharm hasn't been going to great lately. Mainly due to the return of my rapist. He came back on the same night..the 4th november. He didn't get what he came for though, luckily for me my brother came home at just the right time. We talked quite a bit..he can be very sweet when he wants. Very convincing. Too bad I didn't fall for it a second time, eh?

I went to see Avril Lavigne in concert on the 7th october. I got half the day off school..YAY! shop shop shop shop shop in Glasgow! I bought the film 'Thirteen' on DVD and it's bloody amazing..but that's another story. The concert was just..wow. No words to describe it. My bro was even blown away. That's how amazing it was! Avril was on her best form..better than i've ever heard or seen her play. Simple Plan were the opening act. Even they were good (although my brother was less enthusiastic about them..) There wasn't a duff note hit all night. Tremendous. 'Nobody's Home' took the trophy. The way that was performed was phenomonal. Avril starting off by herself on her acoustic and then the rest of the band joining in near the end. Now that's a fucking tune!!

My next concert was October 16th. The Calling with Katy Rose and Zed as special guests. What a night! I bought Mhairi a ticket for her birthday. My bro and his girlfriend didn't come in with us cause Lauren wasn't feeling too great. So Mhairi and I stood in the queue for about half an hour before we got to go in. Then guess what happens while we're waiting? FRIGGIN' CHOPS COMES OUT THE BACKDOOR AND WALKS PAST US!!! Wow that was one of the highlights of the night..justin brushing past me. *dream land*..Anyways, the venue was bigger than I thought it was going to be. And it was packed! Zed started off the show. I'm not a big fan, but they were a good crowd warmer. Then *swoons* Katy rose! wooooah dude we were sooo close. She's gorgeous! Got a haircut too. yummy scrumboes!! She rocked..eventhough she got quite a bad reception. She said she loved us though! Only after we were shouting it to her lol. Theeen DUN DUN DUUUUUN...THE CALLING!!! Woooooooooow they fucking rocked. Everyone was singing to every word. We were 1 row from the front..Alex looked right into my eyes while he sang (I'll never forget that look!) and Chops was right infront of us! They were brilliant. Totally milked the crowd. I'm hoping to see them again..SOON!!

Mhairi's birthday party was the week after the TC concert. GO-KARTING!! fun fun fun! I won haha..I don't wanna big myself up or anything..but I rocked lol. It was sooooo funny. Mhairi drove through 2 sets of tyres and yup, you guessed it, straight into me. Then Joanne..oh man don't get me started! she drove through a set of tyres and carried on going! Then decided to make a U-turn through the same set of tyres again! I almost peed myself laughing! lucky I wasn't on the track! We ordered a Jimmy chung's afterwards and ate that back at Mhairi's house..with the mental 18week old pup. Then it was film time! 'Secret Window'..man what a weird film. Good, but weird.

Karuna's party was next. A day at a salon. Make-up, manicures, tattoos and hairstyling. I actually really enjoyed myself. I didn't expect to when I found out you HAD to have make-up done..but hey I actually LIKED having it on. I looked DECENT in all my pictures lol. Sooo after we got all glammed up we went to Frankie and Benny's for some foooood! I had 1 slice of pizza..(yea 1. It was horrible) and a cinnamon waffle with toffe sauce and ice cream yummy yum yum! We went back to hers for a movie 'Lady Killers'..weird film too.

That's about all that's happened! uhhh *thinks* yah.

Nighty all xxx

Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding?

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 21:41:20 GMT

She dumped me..I cut. There's your fucking update.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 20:27:01 GMT

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today. I've been sitting in my room, wallowing in it. Wallowing in god only knows what. It's like im depressed again. Kept thinking of ways to end it today. All day. I don't understand why though 'cause things have been okay lately. I want to si so bad but i can't. I have to stay strong..or atleast try to. It all started last night..

I was out with Fiona, Gillian, Mhairi, Louise and Joanne. I met with Mhairi's sisters while on the way to their house so i walked with them. They're really sweet! So i got to Mhairi's house and got attacked by the pup as soon as i got in (as usual). We were meant to mean the rest of them after. so we waited and waited to hear from them, and still got nothing. I texted fiona to ask where she was and she said they were at tesco waiting for us. So me and Mhairi left for tesco...2 minutes after we left, i got a text from louise saying to meet at the park. We went to the park and met them, realising that Fiona and Gillian must have walked down on their own and so did Louise and Jo. So Fi and Gil were pissed with us for making them wait so long. Ofcourse we got the blame for all this when it wasn't our fault at all. We didn't realise that they walked down separately.

After we all *finally* met, we walked (back) down to tesco and got afew things. I paid for all their things because they didn't seem to have money..*cough* We got out of tesco and Lou and Jo had to go home. I'm left with the 3 hottest girls i know. They're amazing. We headed back to Mhairi's house and watched some Kerrang..I let the monster chew my bottle of 'Kick' aka tesco's rip off of 'Red Bull'. I left Mhairi's house with Fiona and Gillian. There was all the neds walking about in groups shouting stuff as we walked past..i, ofcourse, shouted things back. Then this 1 gang walked passed and 1 guy mummbled 'I'll shag you..i'll shag you..and you're just a *didnt hear what he said about me but prolly something like fat cunt*'. I shouted stuff back to him..i hope it hurt him as much as what he said to me. That's what made me flip. The fact that everytime i walked over 3 drains in a row, Fiona and Gill would nip or hit me or both, didn't help any. I crossed the road to the opposite side so that they couldn't do it anymore. And really just to be alone too. They came over to join me after afew minutes and to say sorry..I gave them a fake smile and said it was ok, and i wasn't mad at them. Ever since then I've been really depressed. I cried when i got home. I can't even crack a fake smile. blah.

I don't know if anything I've said has made sense, but I guess its good to get things off your chest and mind from time to time.

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 21:38:21 GMT

Making up for the non-existant entries..

Friday

school - same as any regular day. Long, tiring and stressful. The music department is leaking..yup, that's right. All the rooms have leaks apart from the little practice rooms so now we're stuck in the foyer and hut 3. Yay.. Mrs Gordon's still hot though ;)

Night - was meant to be going out with my friends, but wait..what's that? They forget to include me again?! No..they just decide they're going to ignore me and what happened at school. Who was it that invited everyone out the first friday night? Me. And the second? oh yea..ME. What about the 3rd? Looks like me again..I see a pattern here. So as soon as someone else wants to organise it, they choose specific people to ask instead of everyone. Well, technically they did ask everyone. But when i texted them to ask what time we were meeting up, I get no reply from anyone. Thanks guys. Love you too..

Saturday

Morning/afternoon - Went shopping with my mum..it was ok. We had a laugh for a change, which is good. I got these really funky socks..They go right up my leg to my knees and they're stripey. They ROCK hehe.

Night - Mhairi's famous 'video night'. We watched 'Starsky and Hutch'. Seen it before, but it just gets better! Love that film. Mainly 'cause she sat next to me the 2 times that i've seen it.. :s it's weird..I love her being really close to me. I feel really comfortable round her. *cough* stop dreaming lauren. After that film, we got attacked by the killer puppy! Eros is soo cute! he's only 8 weeks old. I swear i'm getting a dog (or 3) when i'm older. Soo..after the film and being attacked, we went to tesco. Mhairi needed afew things, as did i (top up on sweets ;)). We went back to mine to drop off afew things and to get the old Kerrang! mags for mhairis art folder. She needed pics of The Rasmus. So we went back to hers, and when we get there Louises mum is waiting in the car to take her and Joanne home. Leaving me and mhairi to watch 'Deep Evil' alone..together. Nothing came of it ofcourse..and it never will. So yea..i was there 'til about 12ish then got a lift home. Printed off some pics of the Rasmus for Mhairi. I forgot to mention, on the way back to hers she asked me if i wanted to go to Italy with her next summer..HELL YEA!!

Sunday

Morning - Woke up

Afternoon - Cleaned out rabbit. Went into town for Kev's birthday pressie. Got him 'Welcome To The Jungle' DVD..hope he likes it. It cost enough!! I also bought really HOT posters of miss Amy Lynn Lee and Avril Ramona Lavigne. Something beautiful to wake up to in the morning since i can't wake up with Hazel by my side...not like they're any substitute for her. She's far to gorgeous and caring. Not to mention she loves me.

Night - Went to Mhairi's, after cleaning the guinea pig and rats out, with her rasmus pics. It was pouring and i walked all the way to her house..no jacket or umbrella. I'll do far too many things for that girl. I ended up staying there for afew hours while we stuck the pics to her art folder and played with Eros. And her sisters played with my hair.. Remind me never to let them do that again lol. Got a run home. And now i'm writing this..

That's your update on my boring life :)

Good night all xxx

I will not be bound by your thoughtless scheming

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 21:41:07 GMT

Today, I was babysitting..2 dogs, a cat and a 10 month old baby. The dogs are the sweetest, I swear! They're no trouble at all. The cat just minds its own business but likes a cuddle every now and then, which is cute. Emma was a little gem. she slept for afew hours and when she woke up I had her lunch ready etc. Took them all out for a walk aswell. Was alot easier than I thought it would be. I was meant to be finished by 3.30 BUT Gayle decided she wanted to play me and so i ended up with them 'til 6.30 which i wasn't too happy about. But whatever.

I was talking to emma (not the emma mentioned previously..but her ex and a good friend of mine) earlier. She seems to be going through a rough patch just now. her ex, emma, (this could get confusing) told her she's still in love with her. I don't get it. She said she loved me a month ago but now its her?! AND she's got a boyfriend?! who aparently she loves and is ready to fucking shag him. *cough* im not pissed off.. I just don't know what to think now. Did she lead me on? or is she genuinely confused? blah I dunno. I don't even wana think about it. I know I'll just get upset and hurt myself when I'm trying to stop. I'm gonna leave this entry 'cause I don't wana focus on it.

can't think of anything catchy..

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 15:58:08 GMT

Not Long home from school. Got my first day at work today :s I start at 5 so I better be quick with this entry!

Had a biology test yesterday and got the results today..16 out of 25. Utter crap. mind you, the highest mark in the class was 18..apparently we just need to work on higher exam techniques. Yeah. Right. I've come to the conclusion she hates me lol..she was so mean to me with the marking scheme!!

I miss Hazel..random comment there.

Blah I'm really, totally screwed up atm. Will I EVER sort my head out?! I think I'm really starting to get a crush on this guy at school. I'm starting work with him tonight which means we'll get even closer. Maybe it's the fact I can't be with Hazel when I want to be that's making me want other people who I might actually have a chance of being with. Does that make sense? I mean the little things like holding hands. Being able to hug them and feel them up against me. Feel their breath on my skin. Being able to play with their hair. Or even just talking to them face-to-face instead of down the phone or over the net. I miss all that, and I'm desperate to get that with Hazel. Us together all the time instead of once in a blue moon. Maybe that's what is so apealing with Lee. He makes me laugh, he accepts me for who I am..well half of who I am (I don't like to expose myself to people too much..I'm scared of losing them. Not to mention I'm a private person) and I know he's liked me since 1st year. I never saw him as anything more than a friend until very recently. He's ultimately the sweetest guy I know. Knows how to treat a girl too. He's even bought me lunch afew times and refuses to let me buy him. I'm pretty sure I'd be happy 'with' him. But last time I broke up with Hazel I was torn apart inside. I didn't let it show ofcourse. Or atleast I tried not to. Easier said than done.

I just had a random thought..I'm going to lose all my friends when I finish college or uni or whatever. Mhairi is going to Italy for 2 years after she finishes uni, Fiona is moving to canada when she finishes uni or college, Kim is moving to Hong-kong and Rabia is moving to Pakistan. Anam is in London already (she's changed loads. I don't think i even consider her my best friend anymore). That leaves me and Lou who, let's face it, isn't exactly my best friend. The only reason we really talk is because we're frieds with the same people. She's got another group of friends too. I don't..apart from my band that is.

I better be off to work. I'm going to be late on my first day!

Lie to me, convince me that i've been sick forever and all of this will make sense when i get better

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 22:47:52 GMT

Ok so this is the first time in ages i've updated my journal. I'm really bad at this! Where to start..

Well, i'm back from holiday. Went to Egypt for 3days and Cyprus for 4. Egypt = crap. I won't even talk about it. Cyprus was amazing. Would have been alot better with hazel there. But now that my parents have bought an apartment there maybe we could go there sometime. Just the two of us...psssh. Like that'll ever happen. Anyways..all the people there are really friendly. Loads of cats raoming the streets too (awwww!!)

What else exciting has happened..my mom dyed my hair? uhh..yah.

Got my standard grade results. All i can say is HOW THE HELL DID I GET THEM GRADES?!
Chemistry - 1
Biology - 1
French - 1
Modern Studies - 1
Music - Int 2 A
English - 2
Maths - 3

I mean seriously! I couldn't have done much better than that! I must have got someone elses results.

so yea..I'm kind of, well, REALLY confused about my feelings for certain people again. It's really weird. I love Hazel. Atleast sometimes I do :| I didn't stop thinking about her in Cyprus and Egypt. And when we meet it's amazing. It's like falling for her all over again. I can't even explain what happens when she kisses me. But then when i'm not thinking about her, it's Emma i think about :s we had one very intimate night through text and I loved every second of it. I've never done that with Hazel before. I'm usually too shy for that kind of thing but Emma always seems to make me more confident. I can talk to her about anything. She's my best friend on and offline. Maybe I'm just confusing the closeness. I've never been this close to anyone. meh..everyone seems to fall for her. I wouldn't have a chance with her anyways.

I better be off to bed now.. SCHOOL TOMORROW..yay *sarcasm*

Nighty xxx

Yet another rant!

Fri, 28 May 2004 23:38:05 GMT

Meeeeeeeeeeeeh!!! Everything was going fine today. Went shopping and bought the coolest top ever! Then I went out with my friends and had a lot of fun. They came back to my house to watch the last ever ‘Friends’ (*tear*) and then Halloween #1. After they Left I went online (like…5mins go) and got an email from hazel. You know those stupid ones where you answer questions then send them to other people for them to read your answers and reply with theirs (confusing)…and it scared me :s She told me about her ‘eating habits’ and how she’s been making herself sick. Her drinking habits scare me too. This is some of the questions from the email…

19. Croutons or bacon bites: Erm food sucks, it makes you fat - that's why I'm dieting :D

20. Sprite or 7 up: Any with vodka ;)

26. Favourite Drink: The type that gets you pissed

31. Favourite Fast Food Restaurant: Don't like fast food either, makes you even fatter! I have a slight obsession with my weight at the moment...

37. Most annoying thing people ask you: Do you slit your wrists? (Too many people have asked me that recently and not only is it annoying, it's fucking scary :s)

44. Any Scars: Emotional or physical? *avoids the question cleverly* :)

So yea I’m really worried about her. But I don’t have a clue how to help her. She’s acting like there’s nothing wrong again and it’s all going to build up just like the last two times then she’ll explode. I think I still love her :s I’m all confused again. WOOHOO…there’s someone else I reeeeaaally like and I think I’ve totally fallen in love with her. I always seem to screw up!! *screams* I really need to SI but I promised her I wouldn’t and I can’t let her down now. Come too far to turn back now.

I got the best news yesterday too…(note the sarcasm). I have to start paying the full price for my therapist as of next week. I can’t afford that! I can hardly afford the £25 a week I’ve been paying! I’ve had to use all my dinner money and pocket money to pay for it. She said that I have to tell my parents about me getting help ‘cause that’s the only way I’ll be able to pay for it. So really, I don’t know what I’m going to do! Blaaaaah never mind. I’ll figure something out. I have to!

nighty xx

finishing yesterday's entry

Sat, 22 May 2004 21:05:15 GMT

ok so to finish that entry...

After my bro and Grandma died, I ran away (also started smoking just before I ran away...thats why I despise smoking so much now. Although I haven't touched a fag for over 6 months). Lived rough for about 2 weeks until Andy and Kev found me. My parents didn't seem too bothered. They didn't even call the police to say I was missing. They love me SOO frikkin' much huh?! To finish this off, when I was 11(ish) I got into the wrong crowd at school. They bullied people. When I saw what they did, I wanted out but it's never that easy! They made my life a living hell. I was chased home after school everyday, beaten up and made fun of. The one day that I decide to fight back and stand up for myself, I almost throw the guy infront of a car and kill him. Great. EXPELLED from school for standing up to bullies.

Breaking up :s

Sat, 22 May 2004 00:59:12 GMT

ok so I was going to write in here a few days ago but I kept forgetting. I've been taking a while off from the net..or atleast taking some time off from talking to people on here. (only about a day but still...) These past few days have been hard. The exams don't exactly help either but hey I only have 1 left! Its about 4 hours long in total but atleast I'll have a week off afterwards. so...where to start.

Basically I want to break up with 'her'. It's one of the hardest things i've had to do believe it or not. Before, after our little suicidal 'talk', I blocked her and was too scared to even think about unblocking her to talk to her about it properly. Tell her how I feel. I still haven't talked to her since then. This evening I got an email from her saying that we haven't talked in ages and she wanders if I'm ok, so naturally I unblocked her in the hope she'd come back online and we'd talk. But no she didn't come on. meh. I've started to think that if we keep going the way we are (not talking) then she'd forget about me and move on to someone else. Or atleast that's what I was hoping for. Saves me from finishing it...yeah, I know I'm a wussy. What you expect? I've never 'dumped' anyone before. They always seem to cheat on me with my exs...quite sad really! Chris cheated with some bitch I hated. Torrie cheated on me with Chris and Jay cheated on me with Torrie...confused yet? I could see Hazel going with Jay if it wasn't for the distance. Doesn't really say much about me eh?! Anyways... what was I saying before. Breaking up with Hazel. I'll either chicken out at the last minute and stay with her or she'll start playing with my mind and I'll go running back (as usual). She's good with words. Knows how to get to you. Twist your mind. MAKE you love her. meeeeeeh.

I decided I'm gonna do a life story on me in one short paragraph. The truth is, no-one knows the real me. Here goes...

Born in Aberdeen, Feb 6th 1989 and youngest of four. I have three brothers, two of which are twins. The twins are Kev and Kel (confusing huh). Andy is the other brother. Kev was/is/always has been the favorite child. Kel died when the war in Iraq started. He was shot in the back multipule times by Iraqis. Kev is a junkie who beats me on occassions...actualy very occassionally. He's good at guitar though..Andy is who I get on with best. He also plays guitar but isn't really as interested in playing as me and kev are. Grandma died shortly after kel died. My dog (my best friend), not long before kel. I was raped on the 4th of november (in my own bedroom by some guy I talked to online) and fell pregnant, had an abortion, and this ended my 1st relationship with Chris (he thought I was cheating on him since I got pregnant and then decided to cheat on me). My parents decided it would be best not to go to the police...mainly because they didn't believe i was raped. I was then raped another two times by the same guy. January 1st and february 6th...my 14th birthday. I really can't be bothered putting the rest in here. I'll maybe do it in my next entry 'cause I'm tired as hell.

I need sleep. Haven't slept in a few days. Can't be good. My therapist says I should try taking pills to help me relax. Take a chill pill. GREAT! MORE pills to take! I'm already on pills to try and make me sleep but they don't seem to be doing their job very well lately!!

nighty night xx

yesterdays entry...

Wed, 12 May 2004 14:47:40 GMT

ok so maybe what I said yesterday about her was a bit harsh. What can you expect? Meh. I think i'm being selfish as usual. When she told me all that stuff, I only thought about how I was feeling. Didn't even take into account what she must be going through. Then again I don't think she knows what she would be putting her family and friends through if she went through with it. It's hard enough trying to get over someone dying of old age but to know they committed suicide makes it ten times worse. I can't even be with her to hold her close and tell her everything will be ok. Infact I do the exact opposite. What's that you ask? block her on msn and aim when she needs me the most. That's what I do you see. Whenever something gets bad or I get alittle bit scared, I run. Can't think straight. Usually end up returning to bad habits that i'm trying to 'kick'. talking about kicking the habit... I should be at my therapist appointment. I'll finish this later.

lauren xxx

life...meh

Tue, 11 May 2004 20:58:15 GMT

my first journal entry...this should be interesting!

so today was....uhh...well, really there's no words to describe it. first off, i have my final standard grade exams. you know, the most important 1s I'll ever do in my life. No pressure. Thats what they all say. But then in assembly you get the head master beating it into your brain that you NEED to do well because if we fail these then 1) the school looks bad (most important thing to him is to be in the top 5 schools for best results) and 2) basically we can't get a decent job and our lives are worth shit! great! like I said before...NO PRESSURE *tries to breathe* Had French today...seemed easy but that means i've either aced it or i've totally messed it up. I vote for the latter!

hmmm. what else has happened today. oh yea my girlfriend (*cough actualy fiance cough*), the love of my life, decides she wants to 'top herself'...to put it nicely. Oh no this isn't the 1st time. She's scared the crap out of me before and somehow miraculously recovered and never said another word about it. i bought it *smacks head* then today i ask her what's wrong and she comes out with all this shit of her wanting to die again. apparently it never went away. "I was just too blind to see her pain and too deaf to hear her screaming" How can you see someones pain when they won't show you.. when they cover it up so well. How can you hear someone screaming when they shove plugs in your ears? maybe it was me. i just saw what i wanted to see. everything that she said showed me that i really don't know her...not at all infact. i know i still love her but i guess im in love with the person she pretended to be. The part that hurt most was she always said that she could be herself with me...

sooo yea this was my first journal entry. it was more of a rant but nevermind!! thats what they're here for right?! good night all xxx